Direct Cremation, the right choice?

Increasingly it seems, now, there are so many advertisements promoting direct cremation as a simple and affordable option that involves cremating the body of the deceased without a formal funeral service or ceremony. Essentially, a direct cremation is a simple cremation service, without the ‘traditional’ elements of a Funeral or a service of any sort. While they are and will be the right choice for many, they – as with everything in life – have a shadow side. 

Throughout the world, irrespective of religious, spiritual beliefs, or none whatsoever, funerals play a crucial role in the grieving process, helping individuals and communities express their grief, honour and remember the deceased, reflect upon all that person has meant to them and (even when funeral services may have been incredibly painful) help support them towards finding some closure. The tangible power of funerals in commemorating lives loved, when conducted with warmth, compassion, affection, and, in some cases in chapels filled with smiles amidst sadness, can be profoundly supportive in helping those left grieving to navigate their personal journey through loss, and should not be underestimated, yet the advertisements that are gaining momentum - as is understandable – regrettably talk only of the financial benefit, and endorse direct cremations as a way of taking the burden of grief away from families, alleviating pain and sadness, when the opposite, for so many families is sadly the case. 

Death is part of life; it can be raw and painful but is also, albeit cruelly, that tangible reminder that we have known love. In that respect, how lucky we are to ever have had someone so precious in our lives that it makes the physical absence of them so hard? Grief in all its levels and complexities, is simply unspent love that has no place to go, and when we remove the funeral element from the final journey of someone cherished, that can leave those grieving locked in abject limbo. 

There is no easy way to write about what is and will remain a deeply sensitive and immotive topic, one I appreciate perhaps more than most, through my close connection to death, both professionally and personally, so I will try to tread very gently when offering some insights I have gained through my vocation around the aftermath of direct cremations, and also touch on the feelings expressed by some of the many individuals, and families, I have now met, whose loved ones received a direct cremation, either through personal choice, or at the request of their families. I must stress I am not denying that direct cremations will absolutely be the right choice for many, but this reflective piece is specifically written with those to whom it may not be the right choice in mind. The loss of someone cherished leaves us reeling, it is completely understandable (even for those in a financial position to pay for a funeral) that we would all want the process of arranging their final journey to be as simple as possible, especially given that making what are often invariably delicate and difficult decisions around the death of a loved one, is the thing we never want to be tasked with or look forward to arranging.  I guess, what I am trying to say, as respectfully and sensitively as I can, is that, however you decide to proceed with the final parting of your loved one, do consider a Memorial or Celebration of life service of some sort. You dont have to do this at a formal venue, you can hold these in your own home, in your garden, your local village hall or community centre, or even in the local pub and you may not realise how much you will benefit emotionally from a service of this sort, until you have done it, but I promise you, you will. While we cannot go back and honour the person we love, a memorial of sorts will enable us to do that to some degree and being able to do that is a crucial part of being able to move forward through what is the lonelist journey we will ever have to take.

 …I was reminded of the healing power of Funerals recently when a dear friend of mine and my husbands took his own life. He was a vibrant, big hearted larger than life character, who was loved by so many people. For completely understandable reasons his immediate family wanted a private funeral service as is their right. My husband and I were fortunate to be invited, but the sadness in the lead up to our friend's service, the angst of not knowing whether we would be able to pay our final respects to him, before he was cremated, compounded our grief. That same feeling was shared by the many friends and extended family who loved him. Our friend’s funeral service was painful, bittersweet and raw, but it was also deeply moving, filled with love, laughter, smiles and so much love for him. At the end of his service, we were invited to pay our respects in our own way as we left. As my husband and I and our friends gathered around our friend’s casket, there was an outpouring of emotion, none of us wanted that or planned for it, however we all, in some way, felt an acute sense of release after the service itself. Those moments shared with the last physical part of our dear friend, even though we could no longer see him, or hug him, brought us great comfort even despite our heartbreak. So many others who were unable to attend the service, could not have that comfort, and even though there was a collective gathering later that day, many of those individuals remain locked in the state of limbo with their grief. 

Funerals in real time can help so much. Do remember that you do not have to have all the ‘pomp and ceremony’ the limousines, the orders of service, flowers, books of condolence and all the other extra options that Funeral Services offer.  I know wonderful dedicated Funeral Services that offer tailored packages for many budgets, but if you do decide to opt for a direct funeral, I would strongly encourage you to choose a local Funeral Service, who will care for your loved one with compassion and dignity, and help you through the process making it as personal as possible. If you are considering placing your loved one in the care of one of the big online companies, do your research as the quality of care and the personal touches offered by your local and independant Funeral Services may far outweigh those offered by the bigger online companies.